:: snapshot 19 ::

it's like...even when everything around me is falling into place; there is still this bugging feeling that something is not quite right. when i say falling into place; I'm referring to the loving words and sweet snuggling and security which he gives me. and i realise the intention or affection we have towards each other is becoming slightly selfish. or to some point; even one sided. that it has come to my realization that both are beginning to take each other for granted since the honeymoon period is about be over--but then again, who dictates when the honeymoon period is over? i sit alone in his house on a Saturday evening because he is sick and tired after having worked long hours for the whole week. the only companion i have is his sister (and her beau) who is secretly dating someone who is jobless and unable to let anyone know except for a stranger like me because i would never tell nor would i inspect her life. well the funny thing is; i was out the other night with my girls and caught my playful side looking into the crowd for some eye candies and i begun to wonder to my self "why do you still do that? what are you really looking for?" and what came as an answer was the fact that i am bored. i am someone who is loud and fun and energy driven just by being myself. i am witty as hell and has no problem getting any guys i want hard and turned on then leaving them high and dry. but honestly speaking when i found out i have that ability on any guys, i really don't want to do that to anyone in the crowd in the club. or do i want to follow anyone home and have a ball of a time under the sheets because that is not what i am looking for. i love expressing myself and bringing joy to anyone that comes my way. i remember that no matter what. hence i do need to execute more X actions where i enjoy nights out with my girlie's. but i only belong to one. to him. but im different yeah? im not him and he is not me; hence we do not need to have the same life style. *smiles*

so moving on...

I'm blogging due to the fact that i needed an outlet to let it all out and not be stuck in some aspect of constipation. while looking at the main leading actresses on the television i reflected back upon my self and wonders why would anyone even take a second glance at me? I'm big boned and amazon looking with breasts that does no mating calls for the opposite sex or what-so-ever; i cant do cutesy don't-you-think-I'm-so adorable stunts (it would even make me puke, let alone the dating targets) and I'm not the damsel in distress i-need-someone-to-rescue-me-cause-i-cant-lift-a-needle kind of girl. still i would have to say even when i do not look anything like those Kawaii girls walking down the streets of Taiwan or Tokyo, i do have my attractive points. for e.g: i laugh. a lot. loudly even. i don't give a shit about what everyone around me thinks because that is who i am. other than that--even when i get tensed and shy sometimes, i am aggressive and takes no fuck-ups as an answer. meaning: don't fuck with me. yes it has gotten me into some trouble in some point of my life, but hey--I'm not a fake. so when i watch these characters on the television, i find them depressing and i get into modes of either i grew up wrongly and i should blame my folks or I'm just not good enough--it usually goes with the later. that resulted in me not wanting to be conformed by society and tends to appear stubborn and difficult to please as a person.

OH well...i cant please anyone, all i know that makes me happy is a couple of beers and ciggies, with the peeps whom i love and nothing really matters. westernised i suppose? ooh heck! cheers!

:: snapshot 18 ::

it's painful to sing when the tears are gathering up inside.
let alone love songs of that special some body some body.
and it's frustrating because at the beginning
it felt like everything was meant to be meant to be.
but no... no... all good things has its boundaries and expires.
i don't want to have to walk down the road which my mother took.
i don't want you to have to go through the life my father chose.
i don't want to have the marriage my folks slaved through 10, 20, 30 years
still not understanding, not forgiving, not tolerant, all tyrants.
tyrants of love, of selfish entities, of what-could-have-been.
no i don't want that.
i don't want to have to go through that with you.
but its all beginning to happen; i see my tyrant flashing in front of me.

:: snapshot 17 ::

so subsequently whats been happening as of now, I'm currently at Singapore changi airport terminal two with my bestie roomie--shopping around for sushi and chocolates!!! the morning was a major sign or omen, whatever you call it--the storm was atrociously demanding, as if warning us of some events which was bound to happen when we arrive at the airport. truth be told--we were late--like...20 mins before the flt was to take off. and yes--i am aware of it--i was flying before, i mean--however this time round i am a passenger and honestly speaking, i really dont give a shit bout timing. so basically by the time we landed ourselves to the check in counter, the flight closed long time back and there were a dreaded sense of "this didnt just happened to me" i mean, while i was flying before i know we are suppose to arrive at least one hour earlier for checking in and doing all the tourisy thing ( which we did in the end ) before the plane takes off. but i DONT CARE! i was told we were bumed off from our flight and that we were to take the next flight which was in 2 hours time. 2 HOURS?????? no way-- my international patients have taught me alot of things and one of those things which they'd taught me well enough is not to bloody give up on whatever fuking shit requests which they WANT. yes...whatever shit that they WANT base on their current mood and situations no matter how difficult it looked like we were suffering from. so what i did next was that i transformed myself into one of my many colourful patients' personalities and persisted on getting our ass ont he flight no matter WHAT! ...well it didnt quite ended up the way i had in mind, however we did get onto the next flight which was in 2 hours time, instead of the other flight which the counter chick initially treathened us--hmmmm...complain letter floods my mind. i might seriously end up becoming one of those terrors at work. HMPH!!!

:: snapshot 16 ::

so whats been really happening all these while after the last entry? awaiting to find out?? dying to find out??? SERIOUSLY THIRSTY FOR IT??!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!? oh well, lets just say, i took up acting classes, plus joined coach body and started catching up with the girls back in school. so all's been truly extremely tiring, however the lack of sleep and concentration has been fun nonetheless!!! really love how my life is going on as it is now. im sticking to doing my work and just focus on whats really important in my life instead of giving into my conversations and supporting the me that was all into self pity and victimizing. on top of all these new news, i finally had a one to one talk with my ex's current beau...who is going through EXACTLY the same thing he did to me 3 years ago among other things he is famous for in the community. no naming names, yet i am very sure no matter what happens around him, i am not surprised at all. he is who he is, so im used to him being him and one of the things is the inability to stick to fidelity towards the current main dish of his life. *rolls eyes* enough of this bugger. i mean, dont get me wrong, though we are ex(es) and he is dating one of my friends i do still love him no matter what. becoz it is him that i love--not the deeds that i encourage. so the other thing is, i have GROWN UP!!! i no longer have problems talking to her or her or her or even her about my past relation. i sense myself literally went neutral when he is mentioned. no huge heart wrecking sensations which i used to get. its like...it being lifted off me. totally amazing feeling! OKOK...so lets move on...what is the main challenge to take up coaching for me? the 1.5 yr plan. no, i mean, its true--all of the new coaches/existing coaches/senior&master coaches, have to come out with plans for their new 1.5 years consistently. THAT is a trigger for me...its just that my issue with planning timetables or time drafts or routine/roster...whatever u call it--IS my issue. so as you can tell, im largely free spirited, i love constant moving and physical movements or even practicals: drills, performances; expression opportunities...whatever that allows me to move; i will be engaged in it. so when it comes to planning and being a strategist; i down right SUCK at it. i mean, yea, in a way its because i was not trained in that expect, on the other hand i am willing to go all out and just go for it! push myself to be honest about what is it that i really wana get out of this 1.5 years. from the 10 areas that was important to me, i tossed a few of them out and only left with bout 4 areas which is freaking important and significant in my life. well..thats all for tonight, my eyes are complaining with their constant running away from the screen! zzz monster!!

:: snapshot 15 ::

so...it feels like it again. it, being the thing call, infatuation. a new beginning of seeing someone for the first time since the last time one sees its current object of affection. except this time around, the perspective of things shifted. to something more like a racing heart beat. or quickening of breathes and sweaty palms. a significant amount of lost words or stolen glaces of awkwardness. i dont even know when it all started. but that day when i saw him appearing at the glass door outside of my lounge, i felt myself lit up. literally. his shades were hung in front of his black t-shirt underneath a gray wool jacket. why and how the hell did i even remember that! its like its starting all over again. however e part inside me which warns-- am i even denying how im feeling inside? maybe this infatuation would somehow go away as time passes by. or the absence of his presence. the messages would become lesser...or he'd become disinterested. or he is in fact only have eyes for someone else or even only for his own life. as if all these time how i am being distracted for awhile its like a short advertisement space due to the fact that the relation energetics area in my life is opening up. no, i cant say anything up front or even in front of any of the girls... the only one who knows would most probably be my housemate. becoz no one can know how i feel inside. it could most probably be just one sided anyhow? all in my mind. unless reality proven otherwise. or maybe the only attraction was all an illusion and he only saw me as an eccentric gypsy in modern time. and i cant hurt her too. she's my friend. the alliance i'm living by would not change...but im so afraid if things happens otherwise. if they do become an item, i would be happy for them. honestly. but if anything else happens vice verse...im not sure how i'd be able to stand looking at her. i should just flow shouldnt i? allow nature to take its course...does that requires me to assist on its natural courses or i should refrain from acting out however ways im feeling inside? what am i so afraid of anyway? its like...im afraid of being failing and getting hurt again.

:: snapshot 14 ::

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need...

:: snapshot 13 ::

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world